Howler

My days belong to me now


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There will be days when silence is loud and loudness is silent. Days when I am watching someone’s mouth move but their words are inaudible because the only words I can hear are those that are hateful constant screeching static. They are coming from me. Days when the world is sped up and I am watching people pass me but I am unable to move. Days spent swimming through the murky waters that are my mind, diving for something of substance. Days where I have lost all sense of reality and I am afraid to speak because I’m not sure my words belong to me, my thoughts don’t belong to me.

The skin that encases me is a mold I do not fit. I haven’t sung in the shower in God knows how long. There will be days. So many of these days. The only days I am capable of having. The only days I can remember having. Today I wake up and the sound of my alarm is less piercing than usual. Brushing my teeth and pulling on my jeans is less of a chore. The static is muffled by the laughter sitting next to me at my lunch table. My mind is no longer inhabited by a terrible stranger. My body is no longer aimless through a mechanical course of life. I can feel my feet on the ground. I am moving, one foot in front of the other, it’s me. I am thinking my own thoughts, it’s me. I am in control. And on days when vignette dims my frame and I begin to fade into the background, I find clarity. My days were once steered by faceless outsiders. My days belong to me now.

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